Yes, Virginia, Bears in the Woods Do

Today is Father’s Day, so I thought I would do what any father of twenty-somethings wants to do and offer some unsolicited advice to my progeny. After all, what good is surviving the teen years if we cannot pass along what we’ve learned?

First, an administrative note. Despite the number of times I have asked over the years, I am well aware that bears do, in fact, go to the bathroom in the woods. As a matter of fact, as the animal at the top of most North American arboreal ecosystems, the bear can and does use the bathroom pretty much anywhere it chooses, but most definitely the woods is on the top of that list.

A second point of administration, “sure, you can use it” does not translate to “why not just keep it.” Trust me, if you need a saw or a screwdriver or a wheelbarrow, I’ll counsel you through buying one of your own. (Sorry, Uncle Fred. I found that wheelbarrow I borrowed last year in my garage.)

Final point of administration. Now that you have your own home and are starting to raise your own kids, “because I said so” is a defensible and politically correct retort anytime your own child challenges your authority. Other effective if a bit less politically correct retorts include, “I brought you into this world and I’ll take you out,” “If you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about,” and “If you don’t settle down I’ll pull this car over right now…” That last one is usually followed by one of the first two. It doesn’t matter that you actually NEED to be somewhere. When my grandchild has developed the mental faculties to reason through that last argument simply fall back on the first.

Now, pay no attention to arguments from older generations that yours has things so much easier, or that your generation has messed things up so badly. It’s simply not true. Ok, your generation brought us 1,427 genders and cautions against eating Tide Pods, but that simply cannot compare to peeing on an electric fence or the legal requirement to print “Caution! Hot!” on the side of a McDonald’s coffee cup. I mean, seriously, before the Frappuccino and Iced Coffee everyone knew instinctively that McDonald’s coffee was hot enough to legally qualify as gender reassignment surgery when spilled while driving. And while I’m on the topic, $4.95 for an Iced Coffee? Buy a $.69 cup of coffee and get distracted for 30 minutes. Poof! Iced Coffee! There, I just saved you four and a quarter. Do that twice and you can afford your own screwdriver.

Note: When I said, “A horse walked into a bar, and the bartender asked, ‘why the long face?’” why is it everyone always focused on the bartender? Why did nobody ever asked why the horse was in a bar in the first place?

Don’t listen to the voices, either. Talking heads you don’t know and friends you do will try to spin you in ways they think you should go. But they don’t have that right. We raised you to make your own decisions – and face your own consequences. Just because the group is going left, don’t be afraid to go right if that’s where your heart leads. Turn left with your head high and own it. Mom and I will support your decision, but only if you make it for the right reasons. We’re also here to help pick you up when those decisions hit back. But if you make decisions for the wrong reasons, trust me when I say we’ll also be the biggest roadblock in your way, regardless of the fact that you’ve been paying your own taxes for a decade.

To that last point, parenting never ends. One day you’ll wake up and find that your generation is now in charge. Mom and I will be gone and you’ll finally have ascended. Until that happens, though, our job is never done. So just let it happen. We have outlasted you this long. Why would you think we can’t keep it up?

Privacy is dead and everyone is watching. We used to say it takes a village to raise a child. That village now extends to YouTube, Facebook, Snapchat, and a dozen other apps I don’t even know how to spell. Don’t give in when your kids don’t want to be “friends” on Facebook. That’s an invasion of privacy, they say. No. That’s parenting. The Internet is invasive. Don’t drop your guard just because they’re using an app on their phone. Having said that, remember that everything you say or do is now on record, so be deliberate. My generation had it easy. We made our mistakes in the dark – and we learned from them. Your generation has awakened (the proper vernacular for “woke”) and feels the need to interject itself into every little mistake. Someone called it the “Cancel Culture.” I just call it Big Brother. (No – not the television show. Read a book.)

And finally…

“I don’t know, can you?” is the proper response to, “Mom, can I go…”

You are perfectly justified turning off the modem on a beautiful day. You pay the bill and my grandchild needs sunlight more than blue light.

Going to church is a right – exercise it.

When life’s burdens seem so heavy and you think you’ll never get through them, remember, God is a first choice, not a last resort.

And finally, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time,” is misleading. Don’t try to solve massive problems alone. “Call the Marines,” is a more realistic response. Semper Fi, kiddos!

Mark 4:35-41.